teadidikai: (Trilium Tea)
2010-04-28 09:58 am

Revamp

So I am currently revamping a good chunk of my lifestyle. Some of it is fine tuning. Most of it is overhaul.

My big project today- in addition to paying my bills and doing more work on the apartment is putting together enough information on nutrition to form a well thought out meal plan for my daily life, then tweeking it here and there to help it fit into AJ's life as well. Currently this consists of going through the base ingredients of what we like to eat and figuring out what we can make with them- then highlighting that with portion control and accenting it with spices, herbs and beverages.

My apartment is looking good. It's nice to have all these book shelves.

The other major thing going on currently is that AJ is insistent on me getting a new nose stud. The current one I have was poorly made and it shows. So I need to make some calls and get some quotes.
teadidikai: (Default)
2010-04-16 10:16 am

Censorship at it's Best

Immigration is a tricky subject.
To sum up my stance, I am against illegal immigration- emphasis on the illegal bit. I understand there are disadvantages to other groups seeking to enter the US and make it their home. The solution for this that our government has designed is the Green Card Lotto. This helps people who are at a disadvantage due to economic status and the color of their skin much like Affirmative Action is meant to combat the systemic preference for certain groups.

A friend of mine posted an article about new rights being granted to illegal immigrants. I commented on how illegals get more rights than the legal immigrants and their families, like my husband and I. She deleted it. Censorship at it's finest.

This is what happens when any viewpoint is taken to an extreme, when it stops being about the facts and starts being about supporting something because of what it is grouped with- it doesn't matter if it's done under the banner of Conservatism or Liberalism. Silencing other people who raise legitimate issues- honest to goodness facts, is not intellectually honest and is far from justice- our nation recognized this at it's inception and created the First Amendment.

A couple hundred some odd years later and I'm still waiting for it to "trickle down" into the hearts and minds of the very people who enjoy this freedom.
teadidikai: (Trilium Tea)
2010-04-02 02:22 pm

Choice

Who chooses to be hurt?
Who chooses to be harmed? To be beaten, or abused?
Who chooses to suffer?

I'm not talking about self-inflicted wallowing, or personal cutting or anything like that. I'm talking about the deep soul wrenching pains that others cause.

"Choose to learn form this"
"Choose to heal"
"You're choosing to be offended"
"You chose to be in that situation".

Fuckit.
teadidikai: (Summerknight Tea)
2010-04-02 12:12 pm

Empty

I'm running on empty. I'm emotionally and mentally exausted, and by the time I get done with my housework for the day, I'll be physically exhausted and likely in pain as well. I'm cramping- the kinds of cramps I had when I was in High School- the kind that not even 800mg of Vitamin I could fix.


I'm emotionally drained- completely tapped out. A person who I thought was a friend has taken everything I hold dear. My art, my spiritual gifts including readings with handmade cards and an attunement in Reiki, and last but not least- at my polite request that she not take my sanctuary from me, she provided a fuck you. Inviting Jessica into my life has been one of the biggest mistakes I have made in the last ten years. Actually- it wasn't a polite request- I was begging. Actually begging that she leave it alone- I go there to get away from people like her, but no.

Friendships are a give and take. For all these precious things I have given, I have only received justification for bigoted attitudes.

I found myself having exceptionally violent thoughts. Scary kind of violent thoughts. I know nothing will come of them- I could never actually do the kinds of things, but it frightened me none the less. Betrayal, anger, pain, fear, sorrow, depression, indignation. My comfort has been distraction- through art, my lover.

I'm the kind of tired that wants to close my eyes and step away from the world- floating over it and apart from it like a star, never to come back down.
teadidikai: (Trilium Tea)
2010-03-18 10:15 am

Artistic Endevors of the slightly over ambitious

I know I always have an iron or two in the fire. I'm in an odd place right now. My fulfillment is stemming largely from my artwork, but it isn't paying the bills.

But right now, it doesn't matter. I need this. It sounds odd, even irresponsible- but more than anything now I need to practice my art and support my community through it.

To those ends, I have two huge projects going on- on top of my already busy life.

SummerStar is sixteen weeks away. Procession is about six weeks away.

I usually contribute in one small way or another, but this year is a lot different.

For SummerStar I am decorating about thirty masks. Here are some of my ideas: )

All that being said, I'm really excited. If I do about two masks a week, I'll be doing great! <3
My work with the Procession will be a lot different. Mostly cleaning up after people, but I am hoping I will eventually have time to work on my own art at the Studio.
teadidikai: (Default)
2010-02-26 07:38 pm

Tacos! Fish tacos!

Tea's Coconut Fish Tacos

1 Coconut
2 Tomatoes
2 Talapia filet
1 bag cole slaw mix
1 lime
1 egg
Salt and pepper
Paprika
1 clove garlic
4 stems of parsley
8-10 Corn tortillas

Crack open the coconut enough to get a straw in so you can drink the milk. Plan to do this the day or so before you make them so it can dry a little in the fridge.

The next day, break open the coconut and shred the coconut meat. My favorite way is to toss it off a balcony. Learned that trick in high school.
Mix the freshly shredded coconut with chopped garlic and chopped parsley.
Mix the egg up, dip the talapia in the egg, then into the coconut and herb mixture and set into a lightly oiled baking dish- just enough to keep it from sticking. Sprinkle with a bit of salt, pepper and paprika.

Feel free to pack on a little extra coconut on top. Bake that off at 350*. In the mean time slice the tomatoes and the lime so they're all ready when the fish comes out. Heat up the tortillas.

When the coconut is nice and toasted and the fish is flaky, pull it out of the oven. Put a couple slices of tomato, a bit of the slaw mix and some chunks of the fish onto the warm tortillas. Squeeze a little lime over it and enjoy.
teadidikai: (Default)
2010-02-04 10:41 am

Unconditional Love

I've experienced unconditional, supportive, encouraging love from someone.
I have lots of friends. People who mean a lot to me.
I have a husband who loves me.

But there is really only one person in my life who wanted nothing for me but the very best, and who did so unconditionally.
It's completely possible to let go of friendships. It's completely possible to have friendships end badly, and those I am close to now- I hope that it never happens. But I also acknowledge that it could happen. Hell, it could well be my fault. I tend to drop off the face of the planet sometimes.

But there is only one person in the world I would never run away from. And she's dying.
My Nana is the reason this state is Home.

I'm having a very hard time with everything that is going on.
Sure, there are little victories. A good connection here or there. A moment of insight or joy. It currently feels more like I'm living for the sake of distraction- that there's nothing, save her, that is keeping me grounded in what I know as my life.

It worries me. It's a horrible kind of depression I suppose. I don't feel depressed, I feel apathetic- completely detached from the world.


~~~

I reread what I was writing, and I gotta say I hate it. It reads as self-indulgent bullshit. Never been a fan of that.
I think I shall call the local butcher and see if he has some horns. With luck, I'll be able to make something pretty that will make someone else happy.

 

Distraction.


teadidikai: (Trilium Tea)
2010-02-02 01:59 pm

Generational Gifts

When I was first out on my own- I had no place to stay. I was too young to work without my parent's consent and my mother refused because she wanted to keep cashing the government checks.

I had no money. My grandparents couldn't just give me a check, but my Nana would buy my artwork. Mostly little things made of clay.

When my mother dropped off some of "Nana's junk", I found some of the little things she bought from me maybe a decade earlier.

Fuck. 
teadidikai: (Default)
2010-01-01 02:46 pm

Kukareku!

At long last, my divination deck is almost done.
I finished the cards themselves, I just need to wax them so I can shuffle them and they'll be water proof.

I want to dance and sing I am so happy!
teadidikai: (Default)
2009-12-19 10:57 am

Better Days

I keep listening to this song over and over. It's a Christmas song, which isn't my favorite theme, but I can't get over how beautiful it is.

The Christmas Season- with all it's complexities, is a time for forgiveness.

I've reached a point where I can forgive my mother for the latest harm she did.
I think this is the first thing I have ever been able to forgive her for, rather than simply ignore long enough to be in her presence.
I haven't forgotten, but I'm not angry now.
Perhaps a little sleepy. Maybe a little depressed, but not angry.
teadidikai: (Default)
2009-11-10 09:01 am

Da List- again

I've gotten a lot of work done on the list- but nothing actually "finished".
Update. )
teadidikai: (Default)
2009-11-10 08:38 am

A blessing, a curse or both.

So my life has kinda gone to hell in the last couple weeks.
My Nana had offered to buy my husband and I a house.
My mother had my Nana declared mentally incompetent. Then she had her sign away her Power of Attorney.

My mother has been accusing me of stealing from my Nana. You know, since I run errands for her, bring her cash as the change and deposit her checks into my account so I can get reimbursed for the money I am spending.

I also got in trouble for telling the truth. My mother was exceptionally rude to me over the phone.
I dared to ask for an apology. She hit me. Told me to "do something for someone else for a change" and hit me with garbage bags of dirty cat litter.
She berated me in front of my Nana and told Nana I was stealing from her.
My husband got pissed. He was cornered- physically cornered, and so he shoved my mother and stormed out of the room.

So my mom- "for [my] own good", had my husband arrested.
As I am sobbing, pleading with her not to take my husband away from me, she mocks me and tells me to "cry some real tears."

I hate her.

I'm depressed and isolated. My Nana, the woman who raised me and taught me to be a good person is loosing her grip on reality.

I reached out to the therapist who was seeing my family the first time my mother kicked me out of the house.
He's agreed to see me on a donation basis. His rate is a hundred and eighty dollars an hour- though he's worth twice that easily. He said I need not pay him anything at all if I can't afford it and he stressed I was to only pay what I can afford.

He taught me some interesting things yesterday.

The attacks my mother made on me were not common enough to qualify as physical abuse. They were psychotic breaks- much like what my husband suffered when he shoved my mother to escape.

My mother finds comfort in isolation. Picture a home. My mother closes the blinds, locks the doors and keeps all that she loves within those walls. She does not go out and she is disinclined to allow others in. That's one of the reasons we didn't have "family friends" growing up. It's the reason why the only family members she values are those she can keep locked away in her little home.

I escaped. I always had a drive to escape. The world outside the little home is so bright and beautiful- painful at times too. But as much as she is about her isolation, I am about my exploration.

She begins to panic when things aren't contained. And she wasn't able to contain me.

Her fulfillment stems from containing things and her identity and sense of self worth is based upon how she wields power over that which she contains. The illusion is akin to a vase. The water which reaches to the top of the vase is her power over others. If suddenly, she had to expand- to grow- that vase would no longer be full, but merely have the same amount of water she had already placed in it. It would leave a void within her and create panic and disintegration.

My vase is constantly being replaced with a larger one and filled with beautiful things that I blend into my identity.

My culture, my style, my passions. These things fulfill me in the way power fulfills her.
She's really broken. I thought about a sympathetic expression. Filling a glass with water and freezing it. Then going someplace and smashing it, then placing the ice in a larger glass. Though I cannot say if it would be a blessing or a curse.

I don't know if I want anything to do with her. The last two pieces of power she holds over me are my father's wedding band, which she has threatened to sell to spite me and she is a co-sponser for my husband. She can send him home at any time.

Hubby needs to become a citizen. I need to get my father's wedding band. After that- I could walk away.
teadidikai: (Default)
2009-07-12 10:14 pm

Summerstar Prep

So, I'm currently in panic mode. My place, while not a complete pigsty isn't in good shape.

On the bright side, most of the food prep is finished.

I have a handful of things left:
Breakfast Burritos
Baba's Spiced Meatballs
The Brown Rice Salad
Premixing the Breakfast grains
Blending the Firebread
Putting the "wrap" fixings together.

Then BANG! No more food prep.
teadidikai: (Trilium Tea)
2009-07-11 08:23 pm

SummerStar Menu

So I have been doing some of the prep cooking for Summerstar this week. the menu... )
teadidikai: (Default)
2009-07-07 08:54 pm

Da List: Revisited

Getting tired of seeing me use this as a check off?
Well, until I have something more interesting to write about, it isn't likely to change.

I have finished the cover. Now I just need to write the translations and the like into the newly bound book.
I've also decided to make a temp bracelet.
Nothing has changed! )
teadidikai: (Default)
2009-07-04 09:21 am

Little by little

Little by little I'm starting to get things done.
I think this weekend is going to be most productive.

I plan to finish my staff, sew on the pearls for my pants and put the finishing touches on my hat in addition to getting more house work done.
I also need to build the dichotomous key for the workshop at SummerStar.



The Update )

teadidikai: (Default)
2009-06-27 05:37 pm

The List

So I have a running list of things I need to do.
I'm here to update it.Here we go... )
teadidikai: (Default)
2009-06-15 10:06 pm

Regalia

Pagans have their rituals. Rituals I am often invited to, not because I am pagan, but because I tend to associate with people who are.

That's fine. The pageantry at these events can be most impressive- and the psychology behind it makes a fair bit of sense.

The problem is that in my world view, dressing nicely in clean clothes is about as formal as you get.

For some reason, wearing you Sunday Best in the middle of the woods with a bunch of godless heathens sticks out like a sore thumb. Couldn't say why.

So I daydream about what my personal regalia should look like.

Handmade sandals. I have the leather just waiting. Same with the tacks and glue. The pattern is made, and I even cut one of the arch supports.

Beaded Wrap Pants. I like the color brown. Big fan of it really. I dyed my wrap pants brown, and I have sepia tinted fresh water pearls I plan to sew onto it. I also want to include some Alexandrite beads.

Alternatively- a brown skirt. Less bead work, more embroidery.

A white peasant blouse. Cliche? Sure. But I have fond memories of such blouses. Wore one at my wedding that a dear friend now owns. Wore another one to a friends wedding. And it looks good.

Speaking of fondness for clothing items, it should be fair to point out that I have this total infatuation with these adorable seude shoes.

The folks who have those also have an amazing Hobnail jacket.

Jackets and vests. When I was a teen, I had a beautiful forest green seude vest. I'm more into patchwork now, but I never lost my love of vests.

For adornment, I have my wedding ring and two necklaces, one is a simple wooden emblem, the other is a leather pouch filled with goodies. Of course, I'm still working on that charm bracelet. I need to make my ear rings too. Plain gold hoops. Of course I still have my nose screw. I'm commissioning a necklace of a circle made from a horse shoe nail. A pair actually, one for me and one for my love.

I think I also need some over the top socks. Something dreamy and dusky. Maybe some hand warmers too.

And we can't forget my hat. I have a pin for my hat, but I can't seem to find my squirrel fur for the decoration. I have a neat scarf, but I still want to finish off some head scarfs, braid ribbons, and some ribbons for the hat itself, maybe even a few feathers.

So there you have it. My idea of fancy pants.
teadidikai: (Two leaves and a bud tea)
2009-05-14 10:36 pm

Recharge

I realize that even though I have been getting some important things done, I haven't been getting a lot done.

I have tasks for this weekend.
1) Laundry
2) Party
3) Boardgames
4) Visit Nana

And these are my bare minimum obligations.

Then I also need to find time to go out to my Sanctuary and enjoy a good cup of tea.

I've been incredibly ill for the last couple days. I was exposed to some harsh chemicals and a fairly intense allergen of mine.

I'm very self conscious about my looks. The fact that having that Lavender stuff spritzed on me has caused my face to break out in a horrible rash makes me want to stay home from work.

I've been really thin skinned lately. I'm not Superman- my pain tolerance isn't anything to write home about- but little things, like accidentally hitting my thumb as I sealed a tin of paint and stepping on an outlet cord made me almost fall over and cry.

It's all the little things adding up.

I need some time to recharge. I just don't know when that is going to happen.

Luckily, I have two wonderful things going for me off the top of my head.

First- I had some amazing support at work lately. One of the department heads from another division sent out an email to the upper management praising my work. She even bought me ice cream. This of course prompted all of my department heads to give me some major props. Heck- my bosses boss even used me as an example in a meeting as to how people should be interacting with others while at work.

Second- When I did hurt myself, I managed to slink to my bed. I heard pounding out in the other room. My husband sealed the paint can then came in to check on me. He examined my thumb, then tenderly cleaned the broken skin and applied a bandage. He followed up with a very soft, very sweet kiss.

Everybody breaks sometime.
When I started this post, I set my mood to irritable. I changed it to grateful for obvious reasons.
teadidikai: (Default)
2009-05-10 08:14 pm

Progress!

I shared a meal with my family (brother, mom, stepdad, husband and grandmother)that didn't make me want to strangle any of them! It was amazing.

My mother even liked the present I got her. It was a picture of us when I was about five or so sitting on the dock with my mom in our little dingy. It was in a picture frame that fit with her home decor.

I'm going to ask Miria if I can put together the Spirit Temple for Summerstar next year.
I have an idea.
I want to take a young potted tree with lots of branches. Use the tables to represent the elements and have people write wishes on little strips of paper.

Then I intend to drill holes into coins and have votive candles that people can light, say their wish and hang from the tree.

The coins can be used to decorate the tree as well, and they will be tossed into an honest to goodness wishing well. The paper will be placed with the rootball and planted someplace special.

The inks will be colored and home made.