teadidikai: (Summerknight Tea)
posted by [personal profile] teadidikai at 12:12pm on 02/04/2010
I'm running on empty. I'm emotionally and mentally exausted, and by the time I get done with my housework for the day, I'll be physically exhausted and likely in pain as well. I'm cramping- the kinds of cramps I had when I was in High School- the kind that not even 800mg of Vitamin I could fix.


I'm emotionally drained- completely tapped out. A person who I thought was a friend has taken everything I hold dear. My art, my spiritual gifts including readings with handmade cards and an attunement in Reiki, and last but not least- at my polite request that she not take my sanctuary from me, she provided a fuck you. Inviting Jessica into my life has been one of the biggest mistakes I have made in the last ten years. Actually- it wasn't a polite request- I was begging. Actually begging that she leave it alone- I go there to get away from people like her, but no.

Friendships are a give and take. For all these precious things I have given, I have only received justification for bigoted attitudes.

I found myself having exceptionally violent thoughts. Scary kind of violent thoughts. I know nothing will come of them- I could never actually do the kinds of things, but it frightened me none the less. Betrayal, anger, pain, fear, sorrow, depression, indignation. My comfort has been distraction- through art, my lover.

I'm the kind of tired that wants to close my eyes and step away from the world- floating over it and apart from it like a star, never to come back down.
Mood:: 'crushed' crushed
teadidikai: (Trilium Tea)
posted by [personal profile] teadidikai at 02:22pm on 02/04/2010
Who chooses to be hurt?
Who chooses to be harmed? To be beaten, or abused?
Who chooses to suffer?

I'm not talking about self-inflicted wallowing, or personal cutting or anything like that. I'm talking about the deep soul wrenching pains that others cause.

"Choose to learn form this"
"Choose to heal"
"You're choosing to be offended"
"You chose to be in that situation".

Fuckit.

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