teadidikai: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] teadidikai at 09:01am on 10/11/2009
I've gotten a lot of work done on the list- but nothing actually "finished".
Update. )
Mood:: 'anxious' anxious
teadidikai: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] teadidikai at 08:38am on 10/11/2009
So my life has kinda gone to hell in the last couple weeks.
My Nana had offered to buy my husband and I a house.
My mother had my Nana declared mentally incompetent. Then she had her sign away her Power of Attorney.

My mother has been accusing me of stealing from my Nana. You know, since I run errands for her, bring her cash as the change and deposit her checks into my account so I can get reimbursed for the money I am spending.

I also got in trouble for telling the truth. My mother was exceptionally rude to me over the phone.
I dared to ask for an apology. She hit me. Told me to "do something for someone else for a change" and hit me with garbage bags of dirty cat litter.
She berated me in front of my Nana and told Nana I was stealing from her.
My husband got pissed. He was cornered- physically cornered, and so he shoved my mother and stormed out of the room.

So my mom- "for [my] own good", had my husband arrested.
As I am sobbing, pleading with her not to take my husband away from me, she mocks me and tells me to "cry some real tears."

I hate her.

I'm depressed and isolated. My Nana, the woman who raised me and taught me to be a good person is loosing her grip on reality.

I reached out to the therapist who was seeing my family the first time my mother kicked me out of the house.
He's agreed to see me on a donation basis. His rate is a hundred and eighty dollars an hour- though he's worth twice that easily. He said I need not pay him anything at all if I can't afford it and he stressed I was to only pay what I can afford.

He taught me some interesting things yesterday.

The attacks my mother made on me were not common enough to qualify as physical abuse. They were psychotic breaks- much like what my husband suffered when he shoved my mother to escape.

My mother finds comfort in isolation. Picture a home. My mother closes the blinds, locks the doors and keeps all that she loves within those walls. She does not go out and she is disinclined to allow others in. That's one of the reasons we didn't have "family friends" growing up. It's the reason why the only family members she values are those she can keep locked away in her little home.

I escaped. I always had a drive to escape. The world outside the little home is so bright and beautiful- painful at times too. But as much as she is about her isolation, I am about my exploration.

She begins to panic when things aren't contained. And she wasn't able to contain me.

Her fulfillment stems from containing things and her identity and sense of self worth is based upon how she wields power over that which she contains. The illusion is akin to a vase. The water which reaches to the top of the vase is her power over others. If suddenly, she had to expand- to grow- that vase would no longer be full, but merely have the same amount of water she had already placed in it. It would leave a void within her and create panic and disintegration.

My vase is constantly being replaced with a larger one and filled with beautiful things that I blend into my identity.

My culture, my style, my passions. These things fulfill me in the way power fulfills her.
She's really broken. I thought about a sympathetic expression. Filling a glass with water and freezing it. Then going someplace and smashing it, then placing the ice in a larger glass. Though I cannot say if it would be a blessing or a curse.

I don't know if I want anything to do with her. The last two pieces of power she holds over me are my father's wedding band, which she has threatened to sell to spite me and she is a co-sponser for my husband. She can send him home at any time.

Hubby needs to become a citizen. I need to get my father's wedding band. After that- I could walk away.
Mood:: 'depressed' depressed
Music:: Shinedown's Second Chance
teadidikai: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] teadidikai at 10:14pm on 12/07/2009
So, I'm currently in panic mode. My place, while not a complete pigsty isn't in good shape.

On the bright side, most of the food prep is finished.

I have a handful of things left:
Breakfast Burritos
Baba's Spiced Meatballs
The Brown Rice Salad
Premixing the Breakfast grains
Blending the Firebread
Putting the "wrap" fixings together.

Then BANG! No more food prep.
Mood:: 'stressed' stressed
teadidikai: (Trilium Tea)
posted by [personal profile] teadidikai at 08:23pm on 11/07/2009
So I have been doing some of the prep cooking for Summerstar this week. the menu... )
Mood:: 'anxious' anxious
teadidikai: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] teadidikai at 08:54pm on 07/07/2009
Getting tired of seeing me use this as a check off?
Well, until I have something more interesting to write about, it isn't likely to change.

I have finished the cover. Now I just need to write the translations and the like into the newly bound book.
I've also decided to make a temp bracelet.
Nothing has changed! )
teadidikai: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] teadidikai at 09:21am on 04/07/2009
Little by little I'm starting to get things done.
I think this weekend is going to be most productive.

I plan to finish my staff, sew on the pearls for my pants and put the finishing touches on my hat in addition to getting more house work done.
I also need to build the dichotomous key for the workshop at SummerStar.

The Update )

teadidikai: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] teadidikai at 05:37pm on 27/06/2009
So I have a running list of things I need to do.
I'm here to update it.Here we go... )
Mood:: 'blah' blah
teadidikai: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] teadidikai at 10:06pm on 15/06/2009
Pagans have their rituals. Rituals I am often invited to, not because I am pagan, but because I tend to associate with people who are.

That's fine. The pageantry at these events can be most impressive- and the psychology behind it makes a fair bit of sense.

The problem is that in my world view, dressing nicely in clean clothes is about as formal as you get.

For some reason, wearing you Sunday Best in the middle of the woods with a bunch of godless heathens sticks out like a sore thumb. Couldn't say why.

So I daydream about what my personal regalia should look like.

Handmade sandals. I have the leather just waiting. Same with the tacks and glue. The pattern is made, and I even cut one of the arch supports.

Beaded Wrap Pants. I like the color brown. Big fan of it really. I dyed my wrap pants brown, and I have sepia tinted fresh water pearls I plan to sew onto it. I also want to include some Alexandrite beads.

Alternatively- a brown skirt. Less bead work, more embroidery.

A white peasant blouse. Cliche? Sure. But I have fond memories of such blouses. Wore one at my wedding that a dear friend now owns. Wore another one to a friends wedding. And it looks good.

Speaking of fondness for clothing items, it should be fair to point out that I have this total infatuation with these adorable seude shoes.

The folks who have those also have an amazing Hobnail jacket.

Jackets and vests. When I was a teen, I had a beautiful forest green seude vest. I'm more into patchwork now, but I never lost my love of vests.

For adornment, I have my wedding ring and two necklaces, one is a simple wooden emblem, the other is a leather pouch filled with goodies. Of course, I'm still working on that charm bracelet. I need to make my ear rings too. Plain gold hoops. Of course I still have my nose screw. I'm commissioning a necklace of a circle made from a horse shoe nail. A pair actually, one for me and one for my love.

I think I also need some over the top socks. Something dreamy and dusky. Maybe some hand warmers too.

And we can't forget my hat. I have a pin for my hat, but I can't seem to find my squirrel fur for the decoration. I have a neat scarf, but I still want to finish off some head scarfs, braid ribbons, and some ribbons for the hat itself, maybe even a few feathers.

So there you have it. My idea of fancy pants.
Mood:: 'contemplative' contemplative
teadidikai: (Two leaves and a bud tea)
posted by [personal profile] teadidikai at 10:36pm on 14/05/2009
I realize that even though I have been getting some important things done, I haven't been getting a lot done.

I have tasks for this weekend.
1) Laundry
2) Party
3) Boardgames
4) Visit Nana

And these are my bare minimum obligations.

Then I also need to find time to go out to my Sanctuary and enjoy a good cup of tea.

I've been incredibly ill for the last couple days. I was exposed to some harsh chemicals and a fairly intense allergen of mine.

I'm very self conscious about my looks. The fact that having that Lavender stuff spritzed on me has caused my face to break out in a horrible rash makes me want to stay home from work.

I've been really thin skinned lately. I'm not Superman- my pain tolerance isn't anything to write home about- but little things, like accidentally hitting my thumb as I sealed a tin of paint and stepping on an outlet cord made me almost fall over and cry.

It's all the little things adding up.

I need some time to recharge. I just don't know when that is going to happen.

Luckily, I have two wonderful things going for me off the top of my head.

First- I had some amazing support at work lately. One of the department heads from another division sent out an email to the upper management praising my work. She even bought me ice cream. This of course prompted all of my department heads to give me some major props. Heck- my bosses boss even used me as an example in a meeting as to how people should be interacting with others while at work.

Second- When I did hurt myself, I managed to slink to my bed. I heard pounding out in the other room. My husband sealed the paint can then came in to check on me. He examined my thumb, then tenderly cleaned the broken skin and applied a bandage. He followed up with a very soft, very sweet kiss.

Everybody breaks sometime.
When I started this post, I set my mood to irritable. I changed it to grateful for obvious reasons.
Mood:: 'grateful' grateful
teadidikai: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] teadidikai at 08:14pm on 10/05/2009
I shared a meal with my family (brother, mom, stepdad, husband and grandmother)that didn't make me want to strangle any of them! It was amazing.

My mother even liked the present I got her. It was a picture of us when I was about five or so sitting on the dock with my mom in our little dingy. It was in a picture frame that fit with her home decor.

I'm going to ask Miria if I can put together the Spirit Temple for Summerstar next year.
I have an idea.
I want to take a young potted tree with lots of branches. Use the tables to represent the elements and have people write wishes on little strips of paper.

Then I intend to drill holes into coins and have votive candles that people can light, say their wish and hang from the tree.

The coins can be used to decorate the tree as well, and they will be tossed into an honest to goodness wishing well. The paper will be placed with the rootball and planted someplace special.

The inks will be colored and home made.
Mood:: 'artistic' artistic


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