teadidikai: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] teadidikai at 10:41am on 04/02/2010
I've experienced unconditional, supportive, encouraging love from someone.
I have lots of friends. People who mean a lot to me.
I have a husband who loves me.

But there is really only one person in my life who wanted nothing for me but the very best, and who did so unconditionally.
It's completely possible to let go of friendships. It's completely possible to have friendships end badly, and those I am close to now- I hope that it never happens. But I also acknowledge that it could happen. Hell, it could well be my fault. I tend to drop off the face of the planet sometimes.

But there is only one person in the world I would never run away from. And she's dying.
My Nana is the reason this state is Home.

I'm having a very hard time with everything that is going on.
Sure, there are little victories. A good connection here or there. A moment of insight or joy. It currently feels more like I'm living for the sake of distraction- that there's nothing, save her, that is keeping me grounded in what I know as my life.

It worries me. It's a horrible kind of depression I suppose. I don't feel depressed, I feel apathetic- completely detached from the world.


~~~

I reread what I was writing, and I gotta say I hate it. It reads as self-indulgent bullshit. Never been a fan of that.
I think I shall call the local butcher and see if he has some horns. With luck, I'll be able to make something pretty that will make someone else happy.

 

Distraction.


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